You Can't Sit With Cafe Girls if....

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 1. Ayn Rand has qualitatively improved your life.

2. You've ever used a racially, sexually or LGBT derogatory term in a "joking" way and thought it was "cool".

3. You treat people as a means to an end and not as an ends in themselves.

4. If you don't "get" Jazz music. C'mon it's a national treasure!

5. You consider Nicki Minaj as some nouveau feminist.  

5. If you don't "get" Nick Cave. Okay, okay this isn't a staunch rule, but if you suck at life and still don't get Nick Cave, then you're definitely not sitting with us.

6. You watch too much television and think real life works that way.

7. You think women's reproductive systems is somehow up for national, local, or global debate. Please step away from my lady parts.

8. You're all ego or all talk.

9. You don't like/care about animals.

10. You need to be told what to do.

11. You think a philosopher's personal life and choices shouldn't be up for criticism just because they wrote a brilliant book or something.

12. You have no cause. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. #AmIright?

13. You're über "agro". Go away you feisty human, you.